


A completely different Hobbit's tale

by Thisbirdhasflown



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Boggins, Gen, General merriment, You must be Mister Boggins!, and a little drunkeness, but really only a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-04
Updated: 2013-05-04
Packaged: 2017-12-10 09:25:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/784470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thisbirdhasflown/pseuds/Thisbirdhasflown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bembo the hobbit is looking forward to his supper as he hears a knock on the door. He opens and silliness ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A completely different Hobbit's tale

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fredda](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Fredda).



> I own nothing except for Bembo.  
> Not betaed, if you find mistakes please point them out to me!

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. It was not a nasty, wet and dirty hole but a hobbit hole and that meant comfort. Like all Hobbits Bembo really liked his comfort, he enjoyed good food and drink, the occasional pipe after a good meal and a good book in front of a good fire.

Bembo lived in the small town of Hobbiton, two or three houses down from the large home Bag-End, which belonged to his distant cousin Bilbo Baggins. Bembo’s family was not as rich as the Bagginses, but Bembo liked his neat little hole, with it’s comfortable living-room, the little kitchen with it’s much larger larder, his small library and his neat little bedroom and the bath room at the end of an airy hallway. He would not have traded his hole for anything in the world.

One evening, it was supper time and Bembo had just finished cooking his meal and was ready to sit down and enjoy it, there came a knock on the door. Bembo looked up in surprise. He didn’t anticipate guests but he was a sociable little fellow and so he jumped up eagerly to answer the door.

„I’m comin, I’m coming!“ he called, as the unknown guest knocked again impatiently. The door opened and then Bembo’s mouth fell open in surprise. There, on his neat little doormat stood two dwarves. All three looked at each other for a moment, then the dwarf on the left said  „Fili.” Bembo blinked. Was this some kind of hallucination brought on by lack of nourishment? It was after all pretty late for his supper. Then the other dwarf said “And Kili.” Bembo blinked again but the dwarves were still there.  They bowed low and said in unison “At your service.“

„You must be Mister Boggins.“ said the dwarf, who had introduced himself as Kili.

„Yes.“ answered Bembo, more surprised still and also a little cautious, for he wasn’t used to strange dwarves turning up on his doorstep and knowing his name.  „Bembo Boggins at your service.“ Bembo added, because he was after all a very polite Hobbit.

Both dwarves started to grin delightedly and strode into Bembo’s home without further ado. All Bembo could do was close the door behind them so that not all the warmth went out into the night

„Told you it was the right house.“ said Fili to Kili with a smug smile on his face. „And there was you, wanting to ask for directions again.“

„You have to admit, the barman at the inn in Bree wasn’t really sure which home he should send us to. He said there was another one, a little further up the hill, which also fit the description.“ Answered his brother, for the two dwarves were brothers, but Bembo didn’t know that at the time. Both dwarves talked as if he wasn’t there and proceeded to take off the bags they had slung over their backs. They piled their coats and weapons into Bembo’s arms and looked into all the rooms, even into Bembo’s bedroom and bathroom.

Bembo hung up the coats and weapons on the peg by the door and ambled down the hall after his two guests. Fili popped his head around Bembo’s bedroom door „We are the first ones here, I see.“ 

“Yes!” yelled Kili and punched his fists in the air in a celebratory manner. “Ha, can’t wait for Balin to arrive. He always goes on about us being late and now we’re here before him.”

“I don’t want to be rude or anything, but who are you and who is Balin and why should he come here?” Bembo cut in.

“I’m Fili and he’s Kili.” Said Fili as he proceeded into the kitchen, Bembo trailing helplessly behind. “We have introduced ourselves, haven’t we? Balin is an old friend of our family and he should also arrive for the meeting.”

Bembo stared at him. In the background he could hear the other dwarf ransacking his larder but Bembo wanted to get this straightened out now. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know of any meeting.”

 “You don’t?” asked Kili, coming back into the kitchen, his arms full with a large smoked ham, cheese, a plate of butter and two loafs of bread. He pushed Bembo’s plate to the side with his elbow and dumped the armful of food in the middle of the table. “That’s odd.”

Fili had started to rummage in the cupboards. “Gandalf must have told you.” He said to Bembo matter of factly and proceeded to get out plates and cutlery to lay the table for more people.

“Gandalf? As in Gandalf the wizard?” asked Bembo, trying and failing to stop Fili put more of his best china on the table. At least he got the sugar bowl and put it back on the shelf.  It was his favourite sugar bowl in form of a swan.

“Yep, long hair and beard, grey robes, long staff.” said Fili.

Kili walked around Bembo and put the sugar bowl back on the table. “And he’s got a pointy wizards hat. Apparently he does this amazing trick with it, but I’ve never seen it.” He paused and reflected on that for a moment. Then he shrugged his shoulders and got on with emptying Bembo’s larder.

Now Bembo was really confused. He had actually seen Gandalf only this morning. They had chatted for a bit and Bembo had given Gandalf a pouch of Old Toby in return for a small piece of firework Bembo planned to light on his niece’s birthday next month. Had Gandalf maybe told him something and he hadn’t listened properly in the excitement over getting such a great present for his niece? Or maybe Gandalf had forgotten to tell him? This was very strange. “I did talk to Gandalf today.” He said reflectively.

“Well, that’s settled then.” chimed Fili in and clapped Bembo on the shoulder. “Help me with the barrel, Kili?”

Bembo mouthed wordlessly and watched as the two dwarves carried the barrel with his second best ale into the kitchen and set out to tap it. He was short of telling them off, but then he remembered his manners. He was a Boggins after all and the Bogginses prided themselves on their hospitality. And now he had guests and he had to treat them with honor, how and why they were here was a matter he could still resolve later.

So it was with still much confusion but also very good grace that Bembo really started to play host to his two guests. He placed the best pieces of meat on their plates, encouraged them to have more cream on their rhubarb cake and refilled their tankards with frothing ale when they were empty. 

The hour grew later and the atmosphere was getting merrier. Bembo couldn’t remember when last he had had such entertaining guests. The dwarves sang him songs about gold and told him stories of their travels and he listened with open mouth and eyes as big as plates and got out the barrel of his best ale for them.

They all were rather drunk after a few more tankards, the table was strewn with food and the air heavy with pipe smoke. Fili and Kili told a gripping story of fighting a bunch of orcs and saving some dwarf maidens. “They were so pretty, the prettiest dwarves I had ever seen.” Said Kili dreamily, caught up in his own tale. “Yes, all round and sturdy, with beautifully braided beards…” Fili trailed off.

Bembo, elbows spread wide on the table to stabilize himself, leaned his head on his fists with a far away look on his face. “Sometimes I wish I could go on an adventure. You know, like you. Go out and fight some orcs and save a maiden with beautiful braids in her…hair.” Bembo wasn’t so sure if he liked women with beards, but even in his befuddled state he wanted to be polite. “When I was a kid I used to play with my cousin Bilbo, he lives up there in Bag-End.” Bembo waved an arm in the general direction of Bree, but he didn’t notice and Fili and Kili hadn’t noticed this either. Something else seemed to have gotten through Fili’s ale riddled brains now, because he suddenly had a look of concentration on his face, while Kili still smiled stupidly at the thought of the made-up dwarf maidens in distress.

Bembo didn’t notice and continued. “We used to play we were going on an adventure. Chasing after dragons and rescuing kingdoms from them. What merry games we had.”

“Did you say Bag-End?” interrupted Fili.

“What? Oh, yes, I did. Bag-End. That is the name of Bilbo’s home. Been in the Baggins family for ages. He’s a remote cousin of mine.”

“Baggins?” echoed Fili.

“Yes, that’s his name. Bilbo Baggins of Bag-End. Why, you know him?” asked Bembo.

Fili looked horrorstruck. He punched his brother, who had fallen asleep with a stupid grin on his face. “Kili, I think we made a mistake.”

“Hnnng?” said Kili, still half asleep. Bembo looked at the two dwarves worriedly. Fili has gotten very pale now and was shaking his brother awake. “Is something wrong? Too much ale?” Bembo asked, concerned for the young dwarves health. He was after all their host and had taken care not to drink as much as them.

“Um, I think we might have made a mistake coming to your house Bembo.” Said Fili, and slapped Kili. That woke him up. “Whatcho doin’ tha’ fo’?” he grunted.

“Kili, I think I remember now, Gandalf didn’t say we meet at Bembo Boggins’ house, I think he said Bilbo Baggins’ house. Bag-End.” Fili sounded very worried now and tried to stand on wobbly legs.

Realisation dawned on Kili’s face, which was not as pretty a sight as the word ‘dawn’ made one think. It looked rather horrible and scared. “Oh no! And by now the others must have arrived hours ago! Uncle will kill us!” he groaned and buried his face in his hands.

“But my dear Fili and Kili! Don’t fret.” Said Bembo, the voice of comparative sanity and reason. He had taken a liking to his guests and felt sorry for seeing them in such distress. “I will take you to my cousin Bilbo immediately and explain to your Uncle that you were held up here.”

Fili and Kili looked still worried but there was no more time to lose so they got up on unsteady legs, put on their cloaks and shouldered their arms and then let Bembo steer them out of the house and into the little lane that lead up to Bag-End.

Bembo held one dwarf at each arm and was glad for the support from both sides, for he himself wasn’t as sure on his feet as he had thought he would be. Together they managed to arrive at Bilbo’s door only 15 minutes later and they had only fallen into one hedge on their way, a feat on which they congratulated themselves for quite a while. The dwarves had forgotten their anxiety of facing their uncle on the way, but now that they were standing in front of a green door with a rune scratched into the paint it hit them again with full force. They could actually hear a deep voice talking inside and they both only knew that voice too well.

They pushed Bembo to the front and he knocked. Inside Bag-End the voice fell silent. Then came the tapping of feet and Bilbo opened the door. “Oh it’s you, Bembo.” He said, with a bit of relieved smile on his face. Then he spotted the two dwarves behind Bembo and the smile slid of his face again. Bembo couldn’t blame him. Fili and Kili were holding on to each other for support and peered timidly around Bilbo into the house. Fili’s hair and beard were coming undone from their braids, and Kili had still some leaves and twigs stuck in his messy hair. They were not a pretty sight and they probably smelled a lot like ale.

“Ahem, I’m here to take these two fine dwarves to you, dear cousin.” Bembo said. Behind Bilbo he could now see Gandalf and behind the wizard there filled a lot of dwarves into the hallway. One of them strode to the front. He looked very stern and dark and he looked solemnly at Bembo and the two dwarves that were cowering behind his back.

Fili giggled nervously. “Hi Uncle Thorin.” he said. Kili waved stupidly. Thorin frowned majestically. Bembo looked from dwarf to dwarf and decided that he should now take his leave.

“Well, I’ve delivered them.” Kili and Fili looked positively terrified. Bembo saw that and took pity again so he plunged into a rather half cooked lie. “I’m really sorry for the state they are in. They helped me with a spot of bother and I think I rather forced my hospitality on them in thanks. They were too polite to refuse and I only now let them be on their way.” Thorin turned his frown on Bembo and he actually squeaked a bit in fright. “Anyways, I must be off. Hope it was no bother.”

And with that he waved to Bilbo, feeling very sorry for him indeed, shock Fili and Kili by the hands, told them to come visit whenever they liked and walked off down the road. Behind him he could hear a murmur of voices and then Fili and Kili calling “Thanks again Bembo, we’ll write when we conquered the Lonely Mountain!”, then two slaps and the two dwarves wailing shortly in pain. Bembo waved without turning round and very speedily made his way back to his home.

He closed the door behind himself and leaned against the sturdy wood. What a night it had been! Who needed to go out on an adventure, when sometimes the adventure came right into your house.  

 

  

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this little bit of tomfoolery. Let me know in a comment. :)


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